my genX soul will never say “playlist”

anytime i offer you a mix, i am whispering everything i want to tell you as loud as i can. if the mix is curated for you personally, pay attention to the details - every little thing is meaningful. i will die if you don’t listen right away and tell me you understand exactly what i’m saying.

i made a lot of mixes in the hospital because there wasn’t access to creative supplies (all i wanted was a glue stick), and it was a way for me to organize and track my feelings. i made one everytime i felt any transition through the “map your monster” time period (marked with an “&”).

i link to these a lot in the dispatches, but there are so many - sometimes i have a lot of feelings to sort out. if you follow me, you can FOLLOW me.

joy makes mixes on spotify

i have a million little things i’m not going to tell you

there are more than 100 of you and i want to tell you everything and also stay hidden and cozy within the smallest and biggest life. my usual early-spring-depression was extra this year and i had a crisis that i was hospitalized for briefly. the last six months have been a balance between continuing to struggle and some really beautiful growth and happiness. i’ve been worried about rabbit&wolf and if i can keep doing it, if i can keep producing events well or if i am good at writing poetry while all of this is happening. don’t worry, i can. thanks for giving me time to figure it out. p.s. i don’t mind talking about these things, but i don’t need to know that you feel sadness or worry or hope for me. i know that you do.

but…… remember the cozy life i mentioned? this new jersey poetry boy i used to know said, “polyamorists always bring up polyamory,” and i’m here to say, he isn’t wrong. i’ve been thinking this week that i am supported so differently by my husband and my boyfriend and how wonderfully complicated all of our loving is. you’ve heard my poetry, you know the back stories, the whimsy is sometimes flimsy on the edges. but mostly: my heart, my heart, my heart.

remember that time i found joy because she exploded and demanded to stop being lost in the middle? for the first two thirds of my life, i didn’t feel right when someone used my first name (not joy), but i was also embarrassed by my middle name (joy). and maybe that’s why i lost her/me and a lot of mes got stuck along the way. i was uncomfortable with joy.

a few weeks ago, i was talking in the mirror, and i told everyone in there that we needed to all be named joy from now on because everyone always says i have to “find my joy” so it will make that easier at least. i’ve decided i am in the final third of my life (don’t do the math, it’s rude).  i am going to be joy more assertively. i don’t “prefer” joy. please call me joy. thank you, i love you.

thoughts about persephone.

i let persephone guide me as the goddess and the queen  who lives in two worlds intentionally. sometime i will flesh out the juicy peach in my guts about this..